happy fat tuesday to one and all.

happy fat tuesday, y'all. not that i care that it is fat tuesday (or realized it was even today) until i spotted...the glorious, icing covered, deep fried, sprinkle glittered king cake in the office kitchen.  oh, hello. 

that's right, icing so thick you'd swear it was shmear. sprinkles so dazzling you'd think they were the tears of an angel. now that's what i'm talkin about...

as i lay my eyes on this confectioner's prize (in between the slurping of drool and light headedness), i have a flashback of miss evans' 4th grade class.  my one memory of that year, other than my homework assignments being pinned to my shirt against my will at the end of each day, somebody brought in a king cake, and after taking in its aroma and being told of its history and the chance of one of us finding the baby, i was hooked.

[for those of you who don't know about king cake and the baby, check it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_cake ]

but alas, f-ing trent mc-blah of all people got the baby.  he was tubby and spoiled, he didn't need that baby like i did.  i was pissed, jealous, a victim of this king cake and its lure of sugar and a free toy! but, i digress...

so today...standing alone (per usual...cough cough) in the break room, I put my elementary school wounds aside, and after experiencing a tiresome inner monologue of to have some cake, or not to have some cake, i cut into that bitch with a vengeance. 

how delectable this will taste, i thought...how delightful...i deserve this...

and then what do I see being birthed from the cream filling!? plastic baby feet, that's what.
i squealed with ecstasy at my new found discovery.  it was finally my moment; i had found the baby! i frantically looked around; somebody must see that i, j.ram, found the mother fucking baby. it was me! i was the winner!

but

:::::sigh::::

it was a personal victory, as nobody was around to revel in my luck.  not that anybody would, as i am the the strangely dressed, art and music loving, weirdly humored jew pariah; the...democrat...of the office.

so it's needless to say that i took my newly acquired plastic offspring to its cradle (in my top desk drawer next to my scattered rainbow of highlighters--quite a prestigious spot of office real estate) and kept my news of first time motherhood to myself. Wah wah.


placed snugly next to my illegally purchased adderall. i'm just so maternal.

 so you are likely asking yourself, besides 'did i seriously just spend the last 5 minutes of my precious, fleeting life reading this,' what is the moral of the story...and i'll tell you...

1. try not to be the office commy when your boss is McCarthy.

2. forgive the vices of your 4th grade classmates. forgiveness is a virtue, after all.

3. and on a more inspirational note, always choose to take a slice of that proverbial cake, because even if your ass is fat, you just might end up with a baby....wait...what?

so, my faithful follower(s), i leave you with this:

(you know, because i'm a music lover...)